Fanfiction / Sims

Foul Play by Farceurs


*ring ring*

“Hello, and thank you for phoning Foul Play by Farceurs. My name is Francine. How may I assist you?”

“Oh, um…yes. Hello. I’m calling to reserve a, uh…demise slot for a sworn enemy. Do you have any available?”

“Oo! Indeed we do! Let me bring up my calendar. You know, this is usually where I give a basic explanation of our services. Most callers fail fabulously to understand our offerings.”

“They do? How so? The ad seemed rather straightforward.”

“Well, last Friday, five people fostered the frivolous belief that we are a theater troupe specializing in goose-centric performances. It’s frustrating, quite frankly.”

“I could see that.”

“We are comedians committing crimes. Mimes making murders. We send your sworn enemies to a laughable end! Now, I have my schedule all secured here…what is your target’s name, sir?”

“I do not know her name. But she has green hair.”

“That fails to facilitate a narrowing of the candidates, sir. Might you have more specifics?”

“She is also a vampire.”

“Ah. I see. You do understand, sir, that we here at Foul Play by Farceurs specialize in emotional ends for your enemies?”

“Meaning…?”

“Vampires are incapable of perishing by playfulness.”

“Oh. Right. They are, aren’t they? It has…been a while since I thought about death myself. I shall have to put a bit more planning into this…”

“Indeed. Might I suggest Exterminations by Electricians? Or Murders by Murphy Beds? They both have fabulous, five-star ratings.”

“Those types of deaths could simply be accidents. I want it clear this is a revenge plot, or it’s completely unsatisfying. Don’t you have a–I don’t know–Killings by Pyros division or something?”

“My good sir. Your counterfeit company title contains neither alliteration nor rhyme. My colleagues could ne’er condone it.”

“Then you tell me who I may contact for a properly dramatic assassination!”

“Do shush your shrieking, sir. Should you wish the work of a flame-wielding wizard, why not whisk yourself away to Glimmerbrooke and wait there where they dwell?”

“You’re becoming quite annoying.”

“Of course, I hear firefighters are being fabricated to fight any flames you fan into fruition.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“Fine! Have a fabulous, fungus-free day, sir!”

*click*

“…hello?”

“Well, there goes another customer. Fiddlesticks.”

4 thoughts on “Foul Play by Farceurs

  1. Old Vlad, c’mon, it’s not her job to know every business in the industry. What a funny exchange. The tension rising between them and was like a real customer service experience when one/both of the parties starts losing their cool. Also, I enjoy the dedication to alliteration.

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